Give me back my $8.25

We are living in age where the 3rd and 4th sequels are coming out for all the huge late 70's and 80's blockbusters. There is nothing better then sitting back and watching the same characters from 20 years ago, do the same shit, the same way, with the same clothes, and the same one liners. There are 4 men to blame for the majority of this sequel-prequel-shmequel-money-grubbing-bullshit.

George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Bruce Willis, and Sylvester Stallone. From now one I will refer to them as one, known as.....SpeilLucaBruVester.

SpeilLucaBruVester will try to fool you with some horseshit about how they couldn't make this script back then because they didn't have the technology, or the money, or the time. SpeilLucaBruVester will entice you with promises of closure or the final chapter in the saga. SpeilLucaBruVester will bring in the same actors out of their comas and coffins, but also add your new hip and favorite stars. But in the end, all you are watching is a scaled down rip off of the original movie and its sequels.

and now..."The Mighty Travis' Guide to making a Shitty Sequel"

Step One-
Set the script in a time that is about 10 or 15 years later then the last movie. Put the main character in a "they didn't have these back then/fish out water/show the new rookie the ropes" time of his life. He might be sore and his back ain't what it used to be, but he'll still put together the "plot turn" and "have a few tricks up his sleeve".

Step Two-
We are living in a post 9/11 world and you need to tap into that by making the main character serve his country or a veteran of serving his country. By god, you are going to salute him when he first appears on screen or want him to lead you into battle by the end credits. Flag waving is perfect, but don't stop there, make sure to mention his hate of the Cold War Russians, Vietnam's Charlie, or Nazi Germans. He may be a rebel, but he still bleeds red, white, and blue. But who do you fight now? Don't use Iraq directly, make the enemy some ambiguous terrorist with a beard and turban. Better yet, someone that could be your neighbor or friend, someone who would violate our own system of homeland security, just to get his hands on the gold.

Step Three-
If the first movie has a car chase with the enemy climbing all over the truck and trying to get to the driver's seat, the 2nd movie with a roller coaster ride, and the 3rd a tank chase in the desert, then the 4th has to have a car chase with 6 tanks careening through the jungle maze with a sword fight and a helpful clan of wild monkeys.

Step Four-
Any actor that was in the original that says "no" to doing the shitty sequel, is discovered to be dead in the first 10 minutes of the movie. If they don't do the movie because in real life they are actually dead, make sure they are discovered to be dead in the first 10 minutes, but with some sort of plaque, statue, or even a framed picture of them and the hero arm in arm at a party, possibly sharing the last fun moment of their youth.

Step Five-
Save the big catch phrase for the final scene. You remember that one, I think it was something like, "I too old for this may the force be Adrian yippie ki yay he no nuts he crazy frankie says relax live for something or die for nothin'"

Step Six-
All weaponry must remain the same. If a hand made knife, a bull whip, 9mm, a punching bag, or a light saber, got them out of a jam 1-15 times, then it will work for another 16-23 times.

Step Seven-
Treat the audience like they will believe anything.



...Now sit back and wait for the 5th installment of those crazy LA cops, Riggs and Murtough, because nothing has dollar signs all over it like a bad sequel with Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, and Joe Pesci.