Alright! We have some shit to get through. This blog is not for those who don't like to talk about poopin'. Topic to cover:
Using Public Restrooms
My biggest issue with leaving the house is, "What if I have to use a public restroom?" OK, if I have to take a piss, most bathrooms will be fine. Take a shit? It is easier for Mayor John Engen to fit into his Mini Cooper. (or an african american into the oval office) It is all about cleanliness and privacy. I have a very short mental list of acceptable places to shit in Missoula. Now you could be in the most typical of Men's restrooms with a couple of urinals and a couple of stalls, or you could be in the single toilet, locking door situation. Let me run you through an average visit. First thing when I walk in, I inspect the "wetness" of the bathroom. If if looks like a dog was bathed or a children's pool party happened, I will wait. If the bathroom does not have adequate ventilation and I can smell the last 10 uses, I will run screaming. I now inspect every open stall. I'm looking for "clean". I mean flushed, no urine on the seat, or spray on the back of the bowl. The approved stall must not be directly next to an occupied stall, I'm not here to enjoy someone's presence 13 inches away from my naked ass. The stall must have a full roll of toilet paper and the lock has to keep the door locked. I now proceed to be as quiet as possible. I don't want people to think I'm just sitting in there, but I also don't want them to know the consistency of my download. I think the most disturbing thing for other bathroom users is the amount of toilet paper that I use. I do most everything I can to save the environment, but when it comes to the cleanliness of my ass crack, fuck the environment. I sling out 4 to 5 foot section which is then crumpled into a "wipe flower", for coverage of the entire hand and wrist. I repeat 5 to 6 times. Flush with the foot and head for the sink.
If I'm in the single toilet, door lock situation, the process is the same. Except, my paranoia of the next person walking into the war zone that I created usually makes me wait for a better situation.
So, what the fuck is with the unflushed toilet? Who is the person that fills the bowl, wipes, then leaves this surprise for me to discover. Other then toilet operation failure, there is no reason to leave anything behind. Even stranger is the full bowl with no toilet paper. What sort of magic asshole does this person possess. Also, who thinks it is OK to urinate all over the seat and the flush handle. We all know what a "pee shiver" is, and there is now shiver big enough to make you spray urine all over. That is the kind of shit that makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning.
John Sporman, this one is for you.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
More People I Hate
Now that we've gotten the 4-way stop issue out of the way...let's talk about parking and the people that park that way.
"The Mighty Travis' Rules of Parking"
1. Don't be a dick.
2. The lines painted on the ground are not "suggestions".
3. Parallel parking is back-in ONLY.
4. Waiting for another car to pull out is not allowed.
I don't give a shit if there is 3 feet of snow on the ground, you know where the lines are. Use any method necessary to find where the spot actually is. Use the parking meter on the sidewalk, the cement "car stopper" at the end of the parking spot, or get out of your car and LOOK. I'm sure you can figure it out, use common sense.
Punishment for taking up 2 spots: I throw up on your windshield.
I don't care if you have a PhD or it took you 3 years to get a GED, pulling in to a parallel parking spot head first is dumb. It takes longer and is completely ridiculous. If you have to put the car into reverse more then 3 times, you are wasting my time. If you have to drive on the curb, you are a failure in life. We all learned how to do it correctly.
Punishment for pulling in head first: Spouse and 3 kids. Got those already? Now you have 2.
We've all been to Costco. We've all driven around the first 2 rows or spots nearest to the door, hoping the 4 people in front of us just happened to miss the one open spot. That is where it ends, you give up and go to the side of the building or back by the gas pumps. You DO NOT sit and wait for the family of 12 to load children, bulk items, and grandma's wheelchair. Just remember there are people like me, that start the car, put my foot on the brake, car in reverse...while I eat my Polish dog, piece of pizza, and "very berry yogurt delight". Is there really that much difference between a 100 foot walk and a 300 foot walk. Grow up, life sucks, walk a little. Bonus: Parking in the back puts your closer to the exit.
Punishment for parking-spot-hovering: You die alone and angry. There is nothing better then being impatient with death.
"The Mighty Travis' Rules of Parking"
1. Don't be a dick.
2. The lines painted on the ground are not "suggestions".
3. Parallel parking is back-in ONLY.
4. Waiting for another car to pull out is not allowed.
I don't give a shit if there is 3 feet of snow on the ground, you know where the lines are. Use any method necessary to find where the spot actually is. Use the parking meter on the sidewalk, the cement "car stopper" at the end of the parking spot, or get out of your car and LOOK. I'm sure you can figure it out, use common sense.
Punishment for taking up 2 spots: I throw up on your windshield.
I don't care if you have a PhD or it took you 3 years to get a GED, pulling in to a parallel parking spot head first is dumb. It takes longer and is completely ridiculous. If you have to put the car into reverse more then 3 times, you are wasting my time. If you have to drive on the curb, you are a failure in life. We all learned how to do it correctly.
Punishment for pulling in head first: Spouse and 3 kids. Got those already? Now you have 2.
We've all been to Costco. We've all driven around the first 2 rows or spots nearest to the door, hoping the 4 people in front of us just happened to miss the one open spot. That is where it ends, you give up and go to the side of the building or back by the gas pumps. You DO NOT sit and wait for the family of 12 to load children, bulk items, and grandma's wheelchair. Just remember there are people like me, that start the car, put my foot on the brake, car in reverse...while I eat my Polish dog, piece of pizza, and "very berry yogurt delight". Is there really that much difference between a 100 foot walk and a 300 foot walk. Grow up, life sucks, walk a little. Bonus: Parking in the back puts your closer to the exit.
Punishment for parking-spot-hovering: You die alone and angry. There is nothing better then being impatient with death.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Let's Have a Four-Way
Let the bitching begin.
4-way stops. When did the law change to allow for so many options? (It didn't) When did people decide that they would take the law into their own hands and do whatever they felt? The 4-way stop is the greatest example of the decline of society and the failure of democracy. If it turns out that hell exists, the 4-way stop is where I will spend eternity. Let's start with...
"The Mighty Travis' Rules of 4-way Stops"
1. First come, first serve.
2. BE STILL
3. Yield to the right. Give the "Right away".
4. Politeness is NOT allowed.
5. Use common sense.
The 4-way stop is based on a first come, first serve system. (just to get your mind where mine is, picture the 4-way stop on Palmer behind Target) If you get there before someone, you go before someone. No matter which way you are turning or not turning. Check. If you get there at the same time as someone, whoever is on the right of the other gets to go. Check. If someone is going straight and you are going straight in the opposite direction, you can go to just to save time, because you are the only one that can. Check. If you are turning right...get the fuck out of my way. Check. Check. The only other thing that I ask is...when you get to the stop sign and you are the next in line, STOP YOUR GODDAMN CAR...if I think you are going to pull in front of me, I will stop, then you will wave me on, then move your car again, then I will stop, get out of my car and jump through your windshield and steal one of your children for my labor camp. No kids? Fine, your cell phone, (that is making your decision making skills way harder then they should be) will end up in the middle of the 4-way stop, dialing a call to Jakarta, while I take a shit on it.
P.S. Bob Wire, don't worry about the "misprint", you'll just have to do some research and dedicate a blog to just how great the "Mighty Travis" is...and can be.
4-way stops. When did the law change to allow for so many options? (It didn't) When did people decide that they would take the law into their own hands and do whatever they felt? The 4-way stop is the greatest example of the decline of society and the failure of democracy. If it turns out that hell exists, the 4-way stop is where I will spend eternity. Let's start with...
"The Mighty Travis' Rules of 4-way Stops"
1. First come, first serve.
2. BE STILL
3. Yield to the right. Give the "Right away".
4. Politeness is NOT allowed.
5. Use common sense.
The 4-way stop is based on a first come, first serve system. (just to get your mind where mine is, picture the 4-way stop on Palmer behind Target) If you get there before someone, you go before someone. No matter which way you are turning or not turning. Check. If you get there at the same time as someone, whoever is on the right of the other gets to go. Check. If someone is going straight and you are going straight in the opposite direction, you can go to just to save time, because you are the only one that can. Check. If you are turning right...get the fuck out of my way. Check. Check. The only other thing that I ask is...when you get to the stop sign and you are the next in line, STOP YOUR GODDAMN CAR...if I think you are going to pull in front of me, I will stop, then you will wave me on, then move your car again, then I will stop, get out of my car and jump through your windshield and steal one of your children for my labor camp. No kids? Fine, your cell phone, (that is making your decision making skills way harder then they should be) will end up in the middle of the 4-way stop, dialing a call to Jakarta, while I take a shit on it.
P.S. Bob Wire, don't worry about the "misprint", you'll just have to do some research and dedicate a blog to just how great the "Mighty Travis" is...and can be.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Sorry...
It is totally lame to write in my blog about how I'm not writing in my blog, but I need to inform y'all of the photo series that I'm putting up here in a couple of days....can you say bathroom art?
Monday, December 3, 2007
So Fresh and So Clean Clean
Tide, Clorox, Snuggle
washer, dryer, hangers, fold
waiting, sitting, hum
I love doing my laundry. I take great pride in the the separation process, the wash cycle, and the folding system. You know the feeling you get when you walk in to Rockin' Rudy's on a busy Saturday, that is what it is like inside my head. Just like my friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors, even I need a break from me. I value the 2 hours of laundry that I do nothing but stare at the clear window of drying shirts and jeans. I enjoy the time to sit on a running washer and kick my legs back and forth. I just want to relax and kick back with the hum of the machines.
excuse me, sorry?
are those your dryer sheets?
can I use your soap?
So, you're sitting at home thinking about all that laundry you have to do. You put it all in the baskets and bags, and put it into the back seat of the car. You've got quarters and your new book. You are about to start your car. Wait! Do me a god-damned favor and stop. Stop and think. What else do you need? What are you missing? Soap, Detergent, El Washero Fluido. Grab it from your house or pick some up on the way, because if you ask me for some, I will snap. I know you don't want to buy the single serving of soap out of the vending machine for 12 bucks, but neither do I, that is why I brought soap with me. Luckily, some of the laundry mats in town now offer free soap. The last time someone asked me for soap, before I could start the rant, the woman with 11 loads said, "Ugh!, I hate that kind of soap!"
sneak, tug, roll away
is this one yours? just a sec!
five to one baskets
There are 20 people using 40 washers and dryers, taking up 13 tables. All the while, watching ONE TV and "sharing" FOUR rolling baskets. There is no better social experiment then watching 20 people watch something on TV they all hate, at the risk that someone else is enjoying the program. Listen ma'am, nobody likes the 700 Club, but you. So, if you manage to tear yourself away from Fox News to move your laundry from the washer to the dryer, now you will have to find a basket with wheels. No one wants to use their own flimsy plastic basket for this job, it sits on the floor for god's sake! You've had that thing since freshmen year, it is for getting the clothes to and from the laundry mat and for moving your kitchen shit from apartment to apartment, only. Now, if you find a basket that is not holding (or being held by) someone's coat, purse, and laundry stuff, you grab that thing and don't look back. Throw your clothes in it, ride it around, put a bike lock on it. Every once in a while we make mistakes. I asked a woman if she was using a "free" basket, she said "Not right this second, if you need it for a minute, I don't need it for 10 minutes." She let me "borrow" the basket, only for her to follow me to my washer and dryer and watch as if suddenly I was going to "David Copperfield" the basket out from under her and she would be left to fend for herself. After the last trip, "Are you done?" She then took the basket back to her spot in front of "Family Feud" and the latest Mary Higgins Clark trash, where it sat unused for 20 minutes.
fold the t-shirts, hang
the pants, ball the socks, buttons
zippers, pockets, pink!
The next time I do my laundry I'm turning the TV to the local access channel and using 2 baskets for myself.
washer, dryer, hangers, fold
waiting, sitting, hum
I love doing my laundry. I take great pride in the the separation process, the wash cycle, and the folding system. You know the feeling you get when you walk in to Rockin' Rudy's on a busy Saturday, that is what it is like inside my head. Just like my friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors, even I need a break from me. I value the 2 hours of laundry that I do nothing but stare at the clear window of drying shirts and jeans. I enjoy the time to sit on a running washer and kick my legs back and forth. I just want to relax and kick back with the hum of the machines.
excuse me, sorry?
are those your dryer sheets?
can I use your soap?
So, you're sitting at home thinking about all that laundry you have to do. You put it all in the baskets and bags, and put it into the back seat of the car. You've got quarters and your new book. You are about to start your car. Wait! Do me a god-damned favor and stop. Stop and think. What else do you need? What are you missing? Soap, Detergent, El Washero Fluido. Grab it from your house or pick some up on the way, because if you ask me for some, I will snap. I know you don't want to buy the single serving of soap out of the vending machine for 12 bucks, but neither do I, that is why I brought soap with me. Luckily, some of the laundry mats in town now offer free soap. The last time someone asked me for soap, before I could start the rant, the woman with 11 loads said, "Ugh!, I hate that kind of soap!"
sneak, tug, roll away
is this one yours? just a sec!
five to one baskets
There are 20 people using 40 washers and dryers, taking up 13 tables. All the while, watching ONE TV and "sharing" FOUR rolling baskets. There is no better social experiment then watching 20 people watch something on TV they all hate, at the risk that someone else is enjoying the program. Listen ma'am, nobody likes the 700 Club, but you. So, if you manage to tear yourself away from Fox News to move your laundry from the washer to the dryer, now you will have to find a basket with wheels. No one wants to use their own flimsy plastic basket for this job, it sits on the floor for god's sake! You've had that thing since freshmen year, it is for getting the clothes to and from the laundry mat and for moving your kitchen shit from apartment to apartment, only. Now, if you find a basket that is not holding (or being held by) someone's coat, purse, and laundry stuff, you grab that thing and don't look back. Throw your clothes in it, ride it around, put a bike lock on it. Every once in a while we make mistakes. I asked a woman if she was using a "free" basket, she said "Not right this second, if you need it for a minute, I don't need it for 10 minutes." She let me "borrow" the basket, only for her to follow me to my washer and dryer and watch as if suddenly I was going to "David Copperfield" the basket out from under her and she would be left to fend for herself. After the last trip, "Are you done?" She then took the basket back to her spot in front of "Family Feud" and the latest Mary Higgins Clark trash, where it sat unused for 20 minutes.
fold the t-shirts, hang
the pants, ball the socks, buttons
zippers, pockets, pink!
The next time I do my laundry I'm turning the TV to the local access channel and using 2 baskets for myself.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
A Trivial Pursuit of the History of Violence of Bourbon
I'm not hip. I'm not really that up to date. That's 'cause I'm Old School. I like getting the boys together. I enjoy a cigar and a little bourbon. I enjoy the batting cages. I actually even enjoy some games...
I don't like playing cards. Games of luck and "skill" are not what makes a bulge in my shorts. I prefer any game that turns me into a pompus, irrational prick, mainly, Trivial Pursuit. Monopoly is OK, Poker is boring, I have never played chess, Risk takes a minimum of 2 years, Life is for little girls, Cranium is for newlyweds and their newlywed friends, Uno is for church camp, Yahtzee is what you play while writing a suicide note, and Pictionary is an acceptable reason for divorce. I like Scrabble and Scatagories...but...
...Trivial Pursuit.
Ooohh, Trivial Pursuit. (insert orgasm here) I'm not good at most things and my lifestyle is unacceptable to most, but I dominate at Trivial Pursuit. I'm loud, obnoxious, and violent when I play the game. Don't be surprised if when I come over to your house and you want to play, that I grab the back of your grandmother's head, kick you in the face, and break your sisters arm with my aggressive dominance. After years of small talk, Wikipedia, the History Channel, and just out-right-nerdery, I will have complete reign over your living room coffee table. I usually prefer some room for me to jump up suddenly, do a Tiger Woods celebration move and try to do a back flip off of your antique end table. I also like to keep my hands occupied with striking implements for hitting people's exposed thighs and your cat, if I haven't scared it away with my shrieks of joy and screams of pain. You want the big show? Add some bourbon to the situation. Even better? A bottle of Champagne to shake up and spray at you like I've just been drafted by the Calgary Stampeders. Heaven forbid we play the version that has a DVD, I might just "Elvis" your TV. Don't get me wrong, I might answer 20 straight questions right, then blow 30. Who knows? I just hope your neighbors are cool with having a emotionally driven trivia master prone to violence and tantrums rocking the shit out of you at 3 in the morning. Or getting rocked and sobbing uncontrollably. Wait! I can smoke my Cigar in your house?! Get the fire exstinguisher ready or cover your uncovered skin. I will set your house on fire, then hold you down, burning your face, just because I knew the difference between immigrant and emmigrant.
Make sure to invite me to your next game night.
I don't like playing cards. Games of luck and "skill" are not what makes a bulge in my shorts. I prefer any game that turns me into a pompus, irrational prick, mainly, Trivial Pursuit. Monopoly is OK, Poker is boring, I have never played chess, Risk takes a minimum of 2 years, Life is for little girls, Cranium is for newlyweds and their newlywed friends, Uno is for church camp, Yahtzee is what you play while writing a suicide note, and Pictionary is an acceptable reason for divorce. I like Scrabble and Scatagories...but...
...Trivial Pursuit.
Ooohh, Trivial Pursuit. (insert orgasm here) I'm not good at most things and my lifestyle is unacceptable to most, but I dominate at Trivial Pursuit. I'm loud, obnoxious, and violent when I play the game. Don't be surprised if when I come over to your house and you want to play, that I grab the back of your grandmother's head, kick you in the face, and break your sisters arm with my aggressive dominance. After years of small talk, Wikipedia, the History Channel, and just out-right-nerdery, I will have complete reign over your living room coffee table. I usually prefer some room for me to jump up suddenly, do a Tiger Woods celebration move and try to do a back flip off of your antique end table. I also like to keep my hands occupied with striking implements for hitting people's exposed thighs and your cat, if I haven't scared it away with my shrieks of joy and screams of pain. You want the big show? Add some bourbon to the situation. Even better? A bottle of Champagne to shake up and spray at you like I've just been drafted by the Calgary Stampeders. Heaven forbid we play the version that has a DVD, I might just "Elvis" your TV. Don't get me wrong, I might answer 20 straight questions right, then blow 30. Who knows? I just hope your neighbors are cool with having a emotionally driven trivia master prone to violence and tantrums rocking the shit out of you at 3 in the morning. Or getting rocked and sobbing uncontrollably. Wait! I can smoke my Cigar in your house?! Get the fire exstinguisher ready or cover your uncovered skin. I will set your house on fire, then hold you down, burning your face, just because I knew the difference between immigrant and emmigrant.
Make sure to invite me to your next game night.
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